A long overdue update...

This weekend has been a bit of a non-event in all fairness. A case of acute lumbago (ryggskott for you swedes) during training put paid not only to my plans to play football on Saturday but also stopped the stag-night festivities planned by my dear friends. Shame!

Instead, I pretty much felt sorry for myself. Friday, in particular was decidedly rubbish! Following the instructions from the doctor I attempted to keep myself moving and succeeded only in wandering around Malmö like a lost war veteran... who may or may not have soiled himself depending on your angle of viewing. Also did a quite a few pregnant-woman-two-handed-pushes-to-bottom-of-back-whilst-breathing-out-forcefully numbers!

Sunday was more productive. Bread was baked with the help of Hjalmar. His first time. 4 litres of soup, the split-pea variety, was made. General cleanig was done. Muchos delicious meat devoured in the evening. A most pleasing food-day.

*Picture tonight*

Monday was spent taking care of a feverish Hjalmar. A lot of Alfons Åberg and Thomas the Tank Engine has been watched.

As of yesterday, I'm officially a student again. Joy of joys! Should have much more time for blogging...

ON/OFF

I can't be the only person to have noticed that the ON/OFF advert jingle goes as follows:

We aim to please,

and if you're not satisfied we're down on our knees!

Hmmmm...

Enough said, really.

Nerdiness!

I was browsing the sport pages on dn.se only to come across, much to my astonishment, an article about Englands' recent triumph over Australia in the Ashes (Cricket stuff, for those not in the know).

Now, I like cricket. Have grown up with it. I get it. People in Sweden, through no fault of their own, generally don't. Generally to the tune of 99.9%. I can accept cluelessness and bored, vacant stares when I enthusiastically attempt (in vain) to explain the game to Swedes. It's pretty much par for the course!

However, if one publishes an article on the topic of cricket and, more specifically, the Ashes 2009 then I expect a lot better. Especially if it is a high-end newspaper like Dagens Nyheter. The article was full of erroneous statements and inaccuracies that I will not go in to now. Needless to say, I was highly peeved and took out my frustration using a little tab that allows you to suggest corrections to their articles and sending them a small essay with the mistakes that needed correcting.

2 days later... they've only gone and updated it! Victory is mine! I took on Dagens Nyheter and won! They did not change all I demanded. They are still referring to The Oval (cricket ground) as the Mecka of international cricket. Fools! If there is to be a 'Mecka' then surely it would be the ground known to all with any knowledge of cricket as 'the home of cricket', Lords!

This picture displays adequately my feelings upon seeing they had taken heed of my message:

I am the Ultimate (cricket-mistake-in-sweden-correcting) Warrior

I am also a huge nerd!

Tabloids, glossies and 'sex'

This is a topic that popped in to my head last week that I've been meaning to bring up since. It would have appeared sooner but I've been busy. When not busy, I've been lazy.

I should clarify what I mean before continuing. I am referring specifically to the combining of the word 'sex' and another word to create new words. I say tabloids and glossies as this is predominantly where I have come across such bastardisation of the english language but indubitably there are others guilty of the linguistc crime. Examples, I hear you cry...

One of the earliest examples I came across was the now classic 'Sex-pert'. An expert on the topic of sex. Usually some kind of agony aunt giving advice to those who require it on a host of carnal matters. This person is almost always referred to as 'our resident sex-pert' because a normal expert is just not as raunchy and fun! From this early misdemeanour the problem has spiralled out of control. I am a staunch advocate of lists as those (few) people who read my blog will no doubt concur. Here is another, this time with words regularly paired with 'sex':

• 'Sex-pertise' - The aforementioned Sex-pert is often asked to provide their 'sex-pertise'. A natural progression to ease our way in. Occasionally, the words are doubled up in the same sentence which is particularly heinous.
• 'Sex-ploits' - Sexual exploits of person or persons (usually a minor celebrity).
• 'Sex-capades' - See 'sex-ploits'.
• 'Sex-tasy' - A certain kind of ecstasy obtained only via the medium of sex.
• 'Sex-tacular' - Now we're really scraping the barrel!
• 'Sex-athon' - I kid you not. I've seen it used!

Here are some more innovative ways I think the formula could be used:

• Sex-communication - to be expelled from the church on grounds of sexual discrepancies.
• Sex-ploitation - Exploitation of the word sex to make something appear more interesting than it really is.

Innuendo - IN YOUR ENDO! (Thank you kindly, Scrubs!)

False advertising?

Saw this in the shop the other day...

Reading the label would suggest that this jam would contain oranges, right? Wrong!

Closer inspection would reveal that the closest thing to orange in this jar was 'orange acidity regulator'. Whatever that is? My initial thought was that it would regulate the acidity of the oranges, but there aren't any. So it might be an acidity regulator with either orange colour or taste or both. Where is the acidity coming from though if there are no oranges? Worrying!

Yesterday (pm)

In an attempt to cool my rage at Scientologists I took a stroll in to town with Hjallis. First, I handed in the document confirming that Elin and I are legally permitted to be married. A mere 39 days to go!

Then I thought I might stroll down and have a quick perusal of what Malmöfestivalen has to

offer. I shouldn't have. Worthless tat is once again the order of the day. By the time I'd reached the third stand I'd given up hope. I like trying new foods but when I have to walk through huge crowds of people past endless rows of vendors purveying worthless rubbish it just puts me off! Here is what I wish people wouldn't try to sell to me:

• black hoodies with names of various rubbish metal bands
• wind chimes
• ridiculously overpriced balloons
• ponchos, panpipes, pashminas, paintings and 'palestinian' scarves. I know of, and symapthise with, the plight of palestinians in the OPT. Wearing a scarf doesn't improve that knowledge. Makes me look like a fool though!
• bloody langos
• Finally (although I really could go on for days) t-shirts sporting motifs such as the following:

They are just terrible!

I once saw a couple on a train with matching wolf t-shirts in this syle. Astounding! One thing that did make me happy whilst at the festival was hearing a man who apparently could only speak in sentences of one word. It went a little bit like this:

Man: Tjena!

friend: Hej. Roligt att se dig

Man: Läget?

friend: bara bra, tack

Man: Skönt

friend: Ja

Man: Semester?

other: Ja, det har jag. Några dagar kvar bara, tråkigt nog.

Man: Detsamma

other: Men du, du får ha det så bra!

Man: Detsamma

other: Hej då!

Man: Hej!

Top work! No energy needlessly wasted on an excess of words. I could learn a thing or two from him.

At 5pm I went to an Öppet Hus at Orkanen regarding my upcoming teaching studies. Little information gathered but I got a notebook, a bottle, a pen and snazzy bag to carry said freebies in. Score! We, then, had visitors in the form of Si, Mizzle and baby Milla. Admiration of new baby. Board games played. Few beers drank. Crap jokes made. Very nice indeed.

Yesterday (am).

Like most people in Sweden we have a wee note on the post-box instructing people that junk-mail is not wanted. We do not even accept the Swedish bible that is the IKEA catalogue For the most part this sign has been respected for the nigh on 5 years I have resided here in Malmö. Of course, we have received the odd unwanted brochure/flyer for various services rendered but never in great proportion and never with any degree of regularity. Imagine, then, my horror upon receiving no less that 4 pieces of junk-mail yesterday morning. Here's what I got: (in order of annoyance factor - least annoying first)

• An offer from Skånska Dagbladet to subscribe to their paper for 1 SEK per day. It smacked of desperation and I just felt a little bit sorry for them really. They try their best.
• Some form of offer from a photo shop. Not interested. Little irritated now.
• A flyer telling me all about the extra cheap filth available at my least favourte food-store, LIDL. Their merchandise is sub-standard and they treat their employees like dirt. Pretty angry by now only to see....
• ... a questionnaire from the Church of Scientology in Malmö. Arlöv, actually. But they say Malmö. 200 questions that when examined by one of their 'auditors' would give clues as to where my life is going wrong and how I can be happy. Firstly, I'm already happy, thank-you muchly. Secondly, I have a nagging feeling that they'd suggest I'd be happier if I joined, and gave piles of hard-earned cash to, the Church of .. er... of course... Scientology. Funny that!

Reasons I'm sceptical about Scientology:

1. It's a belief system started by a guy who wrote comics
2. In order to learn 'truths' you have to give them lots of money
3. They pester people with stress-tests and junk-mail
4. All religions is full of incredible stories but Scientology rules in thi department. See below...

Two key 'incidents':

Incident I (Scientology's Big Bang?) is set four quadrillion years ago and provides a cosmological explanation of the origin of all universes. The unsuspecting thetan (our undying soul) was subjected to a loud snapping noise followed by a flood of luminescence, then saw a chariot followed by a trumpeting cherub. After a loud set of snaps, the thetan was overwhelmed by darkness. This is described as the implant opening the gateway to this universe, meaning that these traumatic memories are what separates thetans from their static (natural, godlike) state.

Incident II (the implants) is a blinder. Xenu, the dictator of the muchos evil "Galactic Confederacy" who, 75 million years ago, brought billions of his people to Earth in DC-8 like spacecraft (aeroplanes bascially), stacked them around volcanoes and killed them using hydrogen bombs. The 'thetans' (souly doo-das) that came out of the bodies were trapped by Xenu and his gang of cronies in an electronic ribbon. They were forced to watch 3D-super movies (like Jaws 3) for no less that 36 days where all ideas of god, the devil, all world religions etc. (and oddly images likening modern England) were forced in to them. They then clustered and attached themselves to bodies and have done so ever since causing us no end of bother. Obviously the only way to be rid of these pesky blighters is to, that's right, give lots of money to Scientologists!

Leave. Me. Alone.

Feminist pornography

Yet more from my seemingly sole source of news and information, Sydsvenskan.

Let me start by saying that I think that the project itself is fine. A good idea. A 'so-called' democratisation of porn would no doubt be welcomed in most quarters. My sole concern with this project is the, to me, rather flippant comment - "we got 105 mins of film for 500 000 SEK". Pauper that I am this sounds like a lot...

Now, I admit I know very little of the world of film (pornographic or otherwise) and how much things cost. However, my impression of pornography is that the majority of the films could get 105 mins of film for about 50 SEK. Let us be truthful to ourselves, it doesn't really require that much! Doubtless many will poo-poo my uninformed musings on the price of film-making but quite frankly I couldn't give a monkeys.

Watch out...

Elin has just this morning kindly informed me of a new word hitting swedish shores presently.... meggings! Like leggings. But for men. Male leggings. Meggings. You get it. A quick googling of said product provided me with a multitude of examples. Here are two fine pairs:

Now, I come from a place where tolerance and understanding tends not to be high on the list of people's character traits. In Layman's terms, you'd probably get a royal pasting if you slipped on a pair of these fellas.

Now, I'm not condoning fashion-related violence but sincerely hope that this fashion shocker never catches on. Especially the sky-blue variety.

More pearls of wisdom...

... this time from a 'prominent' Malaysian doctor (possibly not a doctor) via my beloved Sydsvenskan. Unfortunately, I am unable to locate the article on the website so you will have to take my word for it.

It seems that helpful when attempting to stave off the threat of the much over-hyped swine-flu one need only refrain from (a) homosexual relations and (b) masturbation.

The eminent alternative-medicinist (yes, that probably is a made-up word but using 'medic' seems to me wholly inappropriate) has suggested that said nefarious activities cause "friction heat which in turn leads to the body becoming hyperacidised" which we all know means we become more susceptible to disease... ahem.

Luckily for heterosexuals and people with no hands 'normal sexual relations' between members of the opposite sex are completely safe. Hmmmm. I'm confused. From what I have puzzled together from sex education classes, TV, books, chat with friends and family and actually having a child I have come to the perhaps naive conclusion that there is some element of friction in hetero sex too. To the library...

Swings and Roundabouts

Meant to write a wee snippet on this yesterday but Elin was in study mode and the laptop was thus under her control for most of the day.

In Sydsvenskan yesterday there was an article about this fella who shared a cab with a woman then lured her in to his apartment under the pretence of collecting money to pay his share of said taxi-ride. He then proceeded to rape the woman and the police arrested him within a few hours. It turns out that the woman was HIV-positive and the man may have been infected. Poetic justice?

According to the article the suspect is said to be feeling 'very bad'. The reason why he's feeling so down is not disclosed. Is it the raping that's bothering him? Probably not. The getting caught? A little bit probably but the punsihment for rape in Sweden, mentioned in a previous post, aren't much of a deterrent so it must be the HIV thing.

Hard cheese, old boy!

Sauna World Championships!

Apparently they exist. They've just taken place. In Finland. Obviously. An article on dn.se has informed me that particularly tough conditions meant the winners, Timo Kaukonen (mens) and Tatjana Archipenko (womens), could hold out 3 mins 49 secs and 3 mins 9 seconds respectively. First ever Russian to win, Archipenko. Congratulations to her!

Here are 4 female 'competitors' with winner Archipenko second from left. Whether there were more then 4 in total is not stated.

I'm not really interested as to why people do this sort of thing, moreas to how the hell they hear about it? Does someone just think to themselves "I like having a sauna. Pretty good at it too, I reckon. I wonder if there is a world championships I could enter?"

Also, even more intriguing... Why do three of them look like they're cold?

Sweet potatoes...

.. oh, how I have longed for their return to the supermarket. Today, an otherwise grey and uninspiring monday morning, they appeared before me like orange-skinned... erm... potatoey (nice adjective) Jesus/Allah/Buddha-types. Tonight I shall sacrifice many of your kind in aid of a delicious curry.

I would like to start by congratulting my fantastic friends Si and Mizzle on the birth of their daughter on Thursday. Welcome to parenthood both. The fun starts here! Let's hope you can get away from BB today or tomorrow so that the discrimination against Simmo (and other men) can end. Bloody UMAS! With so much effort being put in to encourage fathers to assume more responsibility, to take an equal share of parental leave, to essentially be as equal as possible when it comes to parenting it boggles the mind that the father gets pushed out immediately aside from a few visiting hours during the day! Viva Patienthotellet!

Anyhoo, that is quite enough of my negativity souring what should be (and is) a most joyous occasion. Thursday was none too shabby for my part either. Myself, Hjallisen and Elin's sister Linnea eventually, after some ticket-machine trouble and consequently a missed train, made our way to Höör where we greeted by the grand-parents for a day of east-coast action.

The days merriment included:

• Lunch at Buhres Fiskrökeri in Kivik. If you have the means, I'd highly recommend it. It's so choice. What film? Anyone....? Anyone....? Click here for the answer.
• A quick stop-off at Kiviks Musteri for juice supplies. Refreshing in the utmost!
• A pleasant, if tiring, walk in Stenshuvuds Nationalpark. Carrying young Hjalmar through forest and up steep slopes is no cake-walk I'll have you know. Luckily help was at hand in form of mormor, morfar and Nea. Hjalmar enjoyed the views but was more impressed by first a beetle and, then, a disgusting white snail we saw.
• Coffee and cake. Never wrong!
• A quick jump in the sea near Haväng. Water warm. Sand soft and white. Surroundings spectacular.

Upon returning to Malmö, Elin and I went out to the place we're having our wedding party to finalise some key details. All went swimmingly and now we can chillax* (kind of) until the 26th september.

Yesterday we were at an 80th birthday garden party in Bankeryd outside Jönköping. I ate too much. Too much cheese. Too much meat. And too much cake. The result was a pathetic effort when it came to dinner at Hjalmars great grandmothers that evening.

Today we're off swimming again before trucking on to Linköping. Hjalmar has been out in the garden eating blackcurrants and an ant.

I started this post yesterday but the laptop ran out of battery so I can now happily add a further congratulatory message. This time to my friend Graham who successfully convinced his girlfriend Amy that marrying him would be a good idea. Top work, G. Good luck to you both. Especially Amy.

*I'd like to thank 'Family Guy' for introducing me to the word 'chillax'. Best new word in ages.

explain please!

Fem ärs fängelse för sexövergrepp - Burlöv - Sydsvenskan - Nyheter dygnet runt

Just saw this article on Sydsvenskans homepage and am now particularly annoyed. Firstly, this 62 year old man is convicted for 11 cases of rape plus sexual assault of girls between 11 and 16 and sentenced to 7 years which is an obscenely short sentence for the crime.

However, to make things worse the high court then decided that it was actually a smaller number of rapes... only 2 cases of rape and 6 of raping a child. Therefore the sentence was reduced to five years. 5 years! For 8 cases of rape! I like a lot about Sweden. Leniency when it comes to raping of minors is not one of them!

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Sexual Equality in the UK

Whilst visiting family in Wales earlier this summer I happened upon this sign which cheered me up on an otherwise sombre day. I was at a funeral. The wake for said funeral was at a working men's club, a most British of institutions created originally so the working classes, men and women, would have somewhere to convene, socialise and generally get steaming. I am a fan of said concept as beer is cheap as chiperoos! Having lived in Sweden for nigh on 5 years you can imagine my joy of getting a three-drink round for less than £5!

As you can see, this particular club is a bit behind the times when it comes to gender issues and sport. Almost without exception, men in sport get more support, coverage, money and accolades tan their female counterparts but surely... surely waiting until 2009 to let some women use a snooker table in the pub is ridiculous!? Did they never think of it before now? Or was it voted down by committee members? How did they justify the permittance of women into the snooker room?

Committee member 1: Right fellas, we've had a few women saying they should be allowed to play snooker. What do we do?

CM2: I don't know, they're awfully irrational these females and are bound to go for red then pink all the time even though there is an easier shot on the black. It's in their nature!

CM3: True enough but we knew this day would come. After all, they did get the vote in 1928. I'm surprised we've kept them out for this long.

CM4: He has a point you know and if those stupid yankees can vote for a dark fellow as president then I see no reason why we can't allow women to play snooker in our club

All: Agreed

CM 2: But only with a membership card...

CM1: On Tuesdays...

CM4: Naked...

CM3: Too far, Archie, too far!

I've no doubt that's how it would have gone. None at all.

To training with me!

Le weekend

A busy weekend meant that updating the blog before now, whilst far from impossible, would have caused me a slight inconvenience... and nobody wants that on the weekend.

A brief summation of the weekends activities as per twitter update on the right of screen:

• SAFL Grand Final - my team get a jolly-good pasting. Boo! I don't really care. Yay!
• The sea was fantastically refreshing after running around in a most unexpected chaleur
• Beers were icy-cold and thoroughly deserved despite aforementioned defeat
• Snoozing was brief but pleasant. Hjalmar decided that a quick stint on the piano would no doubt aid my slumber but was a little too enthusiastic and energetic in his ivory-tinkling and the opposite effect was achieved.
• African Dress Party at Debaser was a winner. A farewell party for some dear friends who depart for Ghana on Wednesday that saw some serious effort from some, none from others in the dress-up stakes, decent food, delicious cocktails and 'gay' (not my description) beers and a bartender who looked like the Nickelback fella only with a thousand yard stare any Vietnam veteran would be proud of. Arrived home at a thoroughly reasonable 2am to be met by an extremely cheery and awake Hjalmar, pleasant but really not ideal. Little punk!

Brunch at Café Ceder on Sunday. A key topic broached was 1980's Africa-inspired tropical juice drinks in the UK. Namely Um Bongo (they drink it in the Congo, obviously) and Kia-Ora which is too orangey for crows but ok for dogs apparently. I'm no expert on crows, or dogs for that matter, so am unable to vouch for the validity of this statement.